Ep. 3 Not wanting to adult

At what age does one become an ‘adult’? Is it when we’re 18? When we’re 21? Or when we turn 30?

What if your age is not the determining factor, but the reality of your lifestyle that is the deterrent?

Am I an adult if I have a saving account, a 401K, or a life insurance in place?

What about having a good stable job that pays above living means and to comfortably buy whatever, fly wherever and whenever?

How about it is when one becomes a parent, starting their own family and have parental responsibilities?

What if I am old enough in age, but my ‘achievements’ does not warrant the ‘ grown adult’ stamp? What if I achieve some milestone but am not able to permanently keep them? What if I am old enough and have no achievements whatsoever?

One day I would feel like such a proud adult, seeing the fruits of my choices. A husband, a house, a loving family, wonderful pets, and even without a job, I can still live comfortably, not a worry in the world.

Then the next day, I would feel like I have nothing, that I am nothing, that the fruits I worked for to achieve were all merely an illusion, and I painted the illusion with my own paint, my own brushes and with my own imagination.

Some days, I miss that painting, that beautiful painting that I (regrettably?)thrown away during my emotions roller coaster.

Other days, I am proud that I stood up against my fear and is fighting for my life. I would get excited thinking of all the possibilities ahead of me. Then of course that feeling dissipate faster than Ulsan Bolt’s record and I wallow in anxiety.

I am not sure if this all part of morning, or does it mean that I am unable to move on.

I want to move on. I want to move so past on.

Can something really good, something really lucky is bestow on me soon, so that I can believe that my life is worth fighting for?